The Night

I went to bed at 11:00 last night and got up at 12:30 in the afternoon.  I am turning into one of those women you see in movies who stays in her gown and fuzzy slippers wandering around looking lost.  I hope it is a phase.  I think I am just worn out.  I ran into our bedroom door at least 3 times in the dark.  The doorknob on our door is opposite to what Dad's was.  I keep thinking I'm there, and I can't get out of the room.  My husband is threatening to lock it so that I don't fall down the stairs - they are located where Dad's toilet was.

I am trying to remember details, things I should be doing, how can I help my family?  But I'm a mess myself.  Me.  The one who always gets up, showers, does her hair, puts on her make-up.  Just in case I wander out of the confines of my home.  But I don't.  I don't want to.  Crowds make me cry.  It's just too much input, too much noise, too much to think about.  For someone who has always had an active mind like mine, the inside of my head feels like a bog.  And I'm not sure what will come out of it.  It's dark in there, and kind of creepy.  I would like to surgically open it, and take out the dark spots.  But I think they have to come out on their own. 

If I take a sleeping pill, then I do sleep, but I dream of Daddy.  If I don't take a sleeping pill, I lie awake and think of Daddy.  I feel like I should go and spend time with my Mother, though her mind has been troubled for years now with Alzheimer's.  Would it make a difference to her?  I hope so. 

Life has a funny way of just moving on, even when you're standing still.  And that's where I am right now, standing still.  I keep telling myself, "swing your feet over the bed, stand up, and walk."  It's a small step, but it usually works.  But not today.  Today, I am going back to bed - to read, to pray, and to remember Dad.  As if I could ever forget.

What is Grief?

Grief is an emotion caused by a great loss such as death or another major life event that causes extreme feelings of loss. It is a painful mental process that usually occurs in stages. Symptoms are feelings of disbelief, sadness, confusion and anger.

Our entire family is in grief right now, and it comes in waves.  My husband once said that grief is not linear, it comes and goes.  The process of working through grief is a difficult one.  On the one hand, if you let go, and allow yourself to feel joy, you immediately feel guilty for being happy after suffering loss.  On the other hand, if you walk around crying all the time, displaying your emotions openly, people think that you are possibly over-reacting.

My dad was never one to show much emotion at all.  I remember when his mother died, he cried, but he kept it to hinself - like he did most things.  The thing that I am missing the most is being able to call him and discuss every day things.  That stupid Saints game last night.  Who's going to the Super Bowl?  How can I help my son find his path?

We all did it.  Everyone who knew dad spoke to him as if he had the wisdom of the ages - and in many ways he did.  He was, quite simply, amazing.

For myself, I am taking it one minute at a time.  I am trying to work up to one hour at a time, then two, and so on.  I find myself reaching out to hold my husband's hand in the middle of the night to be sure that I am not alone.  I'm not alone.

We gave Daddy the greatest gift we could have given him.  We were all there with him when he passed away.  Perfect ending to an exceptional life.  Dad, we miss you.  We love you.  We hope you are jitterbugging in heaven, and that Mamma and Pappa are there with you.  God speed, Daddy.  May our dreams and remembrances of you never fade, but may the pain lessen as we move on.  You always were and always be our Hero.

January 2, 2011

I look around my home today and see disorder.  Not the kind that happens when you just didn't pick up the newspaper from yesterday.  No, because I was only home 5 weeks this last year.  I have absolutely no idea how career writers who travel to and fro across the continents manage.  Are they slobs?  Do they hire cleaning women?  If so, where are these women?

I think the solution is the cleaning fairy.  No wages, no place to live, just conjure them up when you need them.  I feel silly today.  I guess you can tell.  For the first time in months, I had a wee too much to drink, crashed early and woke up late.  Luxury.  It is in the eye of the beholder. 

Back to the mess in my home.  I know that I need to clean, but not sure I'm going to.  I will read the Sunday papers.  I have already read my Scripture readings for today.  That Cain guy - - bad dude.  Really bad.  Think I'll also call my sisters.  Never really realized how much we love each other until Dad became so ill.  Now, we're lifelines.  It's like making a chain of inner tubes all hooked together with our arms, and approaching a waterfall.  We're going up and down together.  It's good.  It's really good.

See why the cleaning hasn't gotten done yet?  All of these things in my head, and they want to come spilling out.  Well, I say "Let them!"  I will not, however, promise to shape up, join a book club, or any of the other nonsense people promise for the New Year.  I will make one promise - I will never forget my Dad.  Make that two - I will do everything I can to stay close to my sisters.  We're family.  What else is there?

Hope - to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

In taking care of my father during the last 9 months of his life, this became our word.  Hope.  Hope for a cure.  Hope that the cancer would reverse.  Hope that he would see the new year.  While none of these things happened, we still maintained our hope until the very end.

Curious thing, this hope. When it lets us down, we still hold on.  When things seem impossible, it pulls us through.  Next to love, I think it could be the most positive word in the English language.
Without it, where would we be? 

January 1, 2011

This has been a difficult year, in so many ways.  I woke this morning with a sense of expectation over what the next year can bring! Hope springs eternal in the heart, and that's what is in my heart this morning. Although so many things really sucked this year, I feel that this year is a year of change - a year of freedom, a year I will enjoy!  

I've grown closer to my two sisters, which is amazing.  My husband and I have a closer relationship than ever - after ten years.  I feel an expectation, like Christmas morning when I was little and believed in Santa.  

I believe.  I do believe.

Dinner and the CIA

Did that title pique your curiosity?  We arrived at a city in East T two days ago.  The first thing that occurred was funny in hindsight but not at the time that it happened.  We met two people who spoke English on the bus and when we arrived at the oto park (bus terminal) we asked them to help us get a ride to the hotel.  One woman - a travel agent - disappeared, so David went with the gentleman to attempt to find a cab.  The woman found us a bus for 30 lire, and the gentleman 3 cabs for 20 lire each.  We opted for the bus - duh - but were confronted by angry cab drivers!  A shouting match ensued, but no blows were exchanged.  However, we found out once we were on the bus that the woman was having us delivered to the hotel where she worked - - a 4 star, and out of our price range :)  After much discussion, us in English and the driver in Turkish, David called one of our friends and he explained in Turkish that we were to be taken to OUR hotel.  Then, the price of the bus went up to 50 lire.  Seems the woman had slipped them some money to take us to her hotel.  We arrived safely, but tired and a little frayed!


Yesterday,  we attended a church service.  We met a young woman who speaks excellent English, and as a matter of fact had lived in Aspen for 5 months.  We went to lunch with her and 3 companions, but her friends weren't Christian.  We had a chance to share faith with them, as well as an incredible meal.  Three of our students went to play backgammon with them last evening.  One of the girls had an ex-boyfriend show up, and yes, he is Turkish CIA.  So, she told him where we were staying, how long we were staying, etc.
Please pray for protection for us, as well as wisdom.  We feel safe, but I would hate for us to be ejected from the country.  All that said, we are having such an incredible time.  We are blessed, and the Lord is with us.  Thank you for your prayers - - we feel them.





    

Leaving Rivendell

We have been in Rivendell for two weeks.  It is a retreat house, located in the woods outside of the city of Antalya.  We have had amazing times of praise and worship, intercession and fellowship here.  We have sent the students out to two local villages that haven't had prayer teams walking the streets yet, and they were able not only to pray and do some spiritual mapping, but also encountered and befriended some of the local people.  People in this country are naturally suspicious, so it's not an easy thing to make friends with the villagers.  Also, not a lot of people speak English, which also hampers friendships.  However, that said, everyone thoroughly enjoyed their time here.  Our Christmas was quiet, but we did exchange secret santa gifts and we had stockings full of candy for everyone here.  Our hosts have been amazing, and we hope to stay in touch with them for many years to come.  We had an extended prayer and worship time on Christmas Day that was really fabulous!  We are excited about our next stop.  I will tell you where we've been after we leave our next city.  Turkey has been a dream come true and we have been so incredibly blessed here.  Please continue to stand with us in prayer, because team unity is a difficult thing with 19 people... we could use your intercession.  Thank you for all you are doing for us and standing in the gap.  More next time!