Today is Better

So,last night I posted a Davey Jones video (before he was with the Monkees).  The song was called "My Dad".  The girls and I knew all the words, and Lynnie said she played it for him all the time.  To me, it really lightened the mood, and allowed us all a laugh at something in our past having to do with Daddy.  Good times.

Four Weeks

How can it be four weeks already?  No matter how hard I try, I can't get Daddy's face and voice out of my head.  Rest well, Dad.  We all loved you!

Sigh!

I am certain that I have many more things going on in my life than discussing the death of my Daddy.  I just haven't found them yet.  I'm still not comfortable around crowds.  In fact, I'd rather just sit home.  I am doing things one at a time. 

Today I hooked up our new printer/copier (it's wireless) and I was glad to get that done.  And then, well, I read and played scrabble.  I just don't seem to have my groove back.  I really do want to get back to what I once thought was normal, but I'm not even sure what normal is any more.

I don't feel like eating much - in fact at all.  I have lost 25 pounds, and that's a good bit.  But, I was overweight anyway.  Right?

I think about things I want to call Daddy and tell him every day, several times a day.  I talk to him, but it's a one-way conversation.  I know that he's up there, watching, rooting for me, and I'll get there.  It just takes time.  Sigh!

Love Can be a Four Letter Word

from Not All Who Wander Are Lost by LisaJo

How easily this word rolls off our tongues, expecting it to repair a universe full of hurt, an army of trampling on someone's heart, fixing even the smallest problem.  It seems to me that if I knew how to mind my own business, it would help.  Maybe.  Maybe not.  You'd have to ask my family.  I barrel ahead with the force of a hurricane forgetting that many in my family are not built from brick, but from delicate wood, or glass, or stone.  It's possible they're not even finished putting together who they are.

Today, I hurt someone I love most in the world.  I can't take it back.  I can't make it not happen.  And I can't take the pain away - for either of us.  I'd like to say that it's because I'm in grief, but it really isn't.  I just try to do the best I can and sometimes I really screw up.  Like today.  I'm sorry.  Please forgive me.  When you can.

The Earrings

One day, as I was going out shopping for Daddy, he said "Baby, take the leftover money and just buy yourself something with it."  Well, I had really been wanting a pair of plain silver hoops for my ears.  I found just the right pair, and have worn them almost daily since I bought them.

I wore them the whole trip home, and then misplaced them.  I checked my jewelry box, I checked my purses, the pockets of every piece of clothing I had brought, under the bed, in the bed....nope.  No earrings.  Every day, it had become part of my routine, but to no avail.

Last night as I was going to sleep, I said "Daddy, you and Jesus are up there together.  Surely you can see my earrings.  I really want them back."

This morning, big as you please, there were my earrings.  Right there, on the jewelry box.  I looked there a million times.  Thanks, Jesus and Daddy.  You knew what they meant to me.  Got them in my ears right now!
And you can be sure, I will keep up with them.

Returning to Reality

Yesterday, I spent all day working on my father's financial things.  I had thank you notes to write, phone calls to make, bills to pay, and just stay in the moment all day.

I called Lori, because I was bummed, but she didn't answer the phone.  Then, I called Lynn.  I got really upset because she wasn't answering the phone.  Then, I realized, I had a pack of cigarettes to my ear, and had put down the phone.  Reality?  Not yet.  

I see glimpses of it from time to time.  But I'm not really there yet.  I want to quit smoking.  I started again when Daddy got sick, and yes, it is a crutch, and I should quit.  This is in my head.  However, it has not gotten to my anxiety gremlins, so I continue to smoke.

I unpacked about 4 boxes today.  That felt good, and odd at the same time.  Lived with Dad for the better part of 9 months.  I accumulated a LOT of stuff.  However, this will give me a reason to clean the basement and purge what isn't most important to me.  In the five weeks we were home before the doctor found the new tumor, I cleaned everything out EXCEPT the basement and the closets.  I don't know, Tim Gunn. I have trouble believing that you should purge all the things you don't wear in a year.  Of course, with your salary, I'm sure you can do that.

What I really want to do is escape.  Maybe Fiji?  Daily massages, warm weather, and fish swimming under my hut.  Oh, did I mention tropical drinks?  That will have to wait for another time.

Right now, my sisters and I are holding hands and hearts, and walking through grief.  It sucks, but we have one another.  That's amazing and precious, and I treasure every minute of it.

Our Fox

Our fox is back.  I just caught him lounging in the sun under a tree in the back yard.  There's still a lot of snow, but he seems to find just the right spot every day.  I wonder where his wife and the little foxes are?  Are they off playing in the snow, or have they just hunkered down somewhere else? 

I like living in Colorado.  I love Pikes Peak, and the snow, and I love being in my home.  I don't know that it's ever felt more like my home.  I am unpacking a little at a time, so as not to become overwhelmed. 

There weren't any Christmas decorations to take down - thank goodness - because I don't think I have the stamina.  My life is good.  It's beginning to shift back into shape.  That's a really good thing.