Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Returning to Reality

Yesterday, I spent all day working on my father's financial things.  I had thank you notes to write, phone calls to make, bills to pay, and just stay in the moment all day.

I called Lori, because I was bummed, but she didn't answer the phone.  Then, I called Lynn.  I got really upset because she wasn't answering the phone.  Then, I realized, I had a pack of cigarettes to my ear, and had put down the phone.  Reality?  Not yet.  

I see glimpses of it from time to time.  But I'm not really there yet.  I want to quit smoking.  I started again when Daddy got sick, and yes, it is a crutch, and I should quit.  This is in my head.  However, it has not gotten to my anxiety gremlins, so I continue to smoke.

I unpacked about 4 boxes today.  That felt good, and odd at the same time.  Lived with Dad for the better part of 9 months.  I accumulated a LOT of stuff.  However, this will give me a reason to clean the basement and purge what isn't most important to me.  In the five weeks we were home before the doctor found the new tumor, I cleaned everything out EXCEPT the basement and the closets.  I don't know, Tim Gunn. I have trouble believing that you should purge all the things you don't wear in a year.  Of course, with your salary, I'm sure you can do that.

What I really want to do is escape.  Maybe Fiji?  Daily massages, warm weather, and fish swimming under my hut.  Oh, did I mention tropical drinks?  That will have to wait for another time.

Right now, my sisters and I are holding hands and hearts, and walking through grief.  It sucks, but we have one another.  That's amazing and precious, and I treasure every minute of it.

No comments:

Post a Comment