Yesterday, I spent all day working on my father's financial things. I had thank you notes to write, phone calls to make, bills to pay, and just stay in the moment all day.
I called Lori, because I was bummed, but she didn't answer the phone. Then, I called Lynn. I got really upset because she wasn't answering the phone. Then, I realized, I had a pack of cigarettes to my ear, and had put down the phone. Reality? Not yet.
I see glimpses of it from time to time. But I'm not really there yet. I want to quit smoking. I started again when Daddy got sick, and yes, it is a crutch, and I should quit. This is in my head. However, it has not gotten to my anxiety gremlins, so I continue to smoke.
I unpacked about 4 boxes today. That felt good, and odd at the same time. Lived with Dad for the better part of 9 months. I accumulated a LOT of stuff. However, this will give me a reason to clean the basement and purge what isn't most important to me. In the five weeks we were home before the doctor found the new tumor, I cleaned everything out EXCEPT the basement and the closets. I don't know, Tim Gunn. I have trouble believing that you should purge all the things you don't wear in a year. Of course, with your salary, I'm sure you can do that.
What I really want to do is escape. Maybe Fiji? Daily massages, warm weather, and fish swimming under my hut. Oh, did I mention tropical drinks? That will have to wait for another time.
Right now, my sisters and I are holding hands and hearts, and walking through grief. It sucks, but we have one another. That's amazing and precious, and I treasure every minute of it.